Xifer's Braincookie archive:
July 30, 2003 | here
July 23, 2003 | here
July 16, 2003 | here

August 6, 2003

I guess I expected to take more shit for my comments on cover bands last week, and since I didn't I can assume 1 of 2 things is true:

1 - The folks who read my column ARE indeed the intended audience -- original music writers, performers, and fans, folks who are entirely too busy making music and hearing music and promoting music to even think about what party bands are doing, folks who are (ideally) sanctioned and certified members of the KISS Army.

OR

2 - There is nobody who reads my column.

With respect to Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking (my copy of 'A Brief History of Time' is personally autographed) I must momentarily entertain the idea that nobody ever reads it...but WHEW! Thanks to our good friend the scientific method, I can now eliminate that possibility right now; Y'alls are sending notes -- letters of love and hate and indifference. Keep 'em coming so I continue to know you're out there. AND what better reason for me to flap my whiskey-soaked gums one more time???!!!

So first, about whiskey -- are we all aware that a whiskey a day is statistically shown to reduce instances of chronic gingivitis? Y'know those days when there just isn't enough whiskey in the world?? Those days when its 3 party bands and 2 bussloads of bachelorettes in your nightclub and the only thing standing between you and complete insanity is a crispy, inviting, succulent Jameson's on the rocks?? You can rest easy knowing that you're not just buying a whiskey -- you're investing in good dental hygene.

Just in case you can't relate, here's some stuff about cover-bands. I'm gonna refrain from mentioning names, since there are relationships, and I don't wanna insult or disproportionately advertise any one of them in particular.
5 THINGS ABOUT COVER BANDS:

1 - Like original bands, some of them are 'good' and some of them 'suck.' My humble opinion on what that means exactly is this: a 'good' cover band is one where the members like each other, have a good time doing shows that make them some cash, enjoy the perks (i once got sent to Beijing to play disco for a month), and don't get so caught up in the politics of the business that they forget why they're there -- to throw sucker-punches of fun at folks who wanna shake off the office and the meetings and the drudgery of many modern lives and have a harmless good time. Whatever. What it becomes when the band is good is A HARMLESS GOOD TIME.


The ones that suck take themselves way too seriously, don't like their audience, their managers, their engineers, or each other. They demand (as opposed to request) extra towels and waters and beers delivered to the stage and the dressing room and the van and the tool shed, and then phone in a half-assed show for a room fulla drunken assholes, which is what it becomes when the band sucks -- a ROOM FULLA DRUNKEN ASSHOLES.

2 - Contrary to once popular Bay Area dogma, cover bands don't steal fans from original bands. What, you think the folks who once went crazy for Thinking Fellers Union up and realized, "Holy shit! Look at all the cover bands in San Francisco! I think I'll start going to see them instead!!!"?

C'mon now. I know we're supposed to consider the most unlikely of answers, but in the wise words of Steve Hill (doorman savant), "That's just stupid."

3 - I'll lay it out in black and white: Cover bands make clubs money. Its easy. If my Robin Hood-esque tone is offensive to anyone, let me apologize in advance. One sold out Saturday with a cover band and a buncha drinkers-who-mean-it makes a club enough money to survive that Thursday night show you did with your 2 favorite bands. You remember -- you didn't realize Radiohead was playing the same night, and nobody came to your show, and the club lost money...but there was a bright side!! The vibe was good for the 15 people that DID show up (thanks, Mom), and the cover band that played the previous Saturday BAILED YOUR ASS OUT by making the club enough money to withstand the impact. Be thankful. Important clue: Nobody gets rich opening a nightclub that features live, original music most of the week. If they're smart, they find a way to keep dollars flowing in whenever and however they can. Its a food chain model. Dig?



4 - There is now, always has been, and likely always will be a need for cover bands. To have a counter culture, there must be a mainstream culture from which the counter culture stands out. That mainstream culture wants to hear 'Brick House.' Again. They want to hear 'Come on Eileen.' They want to hear 'Hella Good.' Before they get married, they want to rent a bus for their bachelorette party and go cruising clubs asking random patrons and sound engineers for a condom, the tag from their underwear (sorry, Hilary, I wasn't wearing any), and to "suck for a buck" Lifesavers from her white t-shirt. At their wedding receptions, they want the band to get as drunk as the guests and play the same set they heard at their bachelorette party.

5 - I was in a cover-band once. I'll never be in one again. It was really fun until we started to suck.

So there we are -- say whatcha like. Its a viable business model. As much as I can't wait for the day when our scene is strong enough to support the clubs that house us on our own (oh, dahlin', stand up and show us how tall you ahhhhhh...), it ain't the case right now. So keep workin, and don't hate the players or the game. The next time you see a line 'round the block to see the Supertaintedjonesingcheesebreadpopwashgroovecrunch with Lunatic Fringe (the Red Rider tribute act) and Hard Promises (playing the great hits of Reo Speedwagon) at Bimbo's for $20, rejoice. Its no hair off your back, you reap some benefits, and all we really need to do is get along ferchrissake.

In other news, my cool band, Griddle (not a cover band) is playing this weekend. If anyone wants details, drop a note.

Kisses. Thanks for reading.

- xifer

e-mail christopher@jaysieganpresents.com